Although some may mistake it for weakness, the truth is that vulnerability is actually your greatest strength. That’s because standing in front of another person with a mix of raw honesty, radical authenticity and compassion may actually be one of the greatest acts of courage some people will ever perform — and it is a pillar of strong, loving relationships. RELATED: 7 Last-Ditch Ways To Save Your Marriage (When You Feel Hopeless)
How to wield the power of vulnerability to save a ‘hopeless’ relationship:
Let me give you an example of how vulnerability can shift the course of a relationship in a heartbeat. I have a set of clients who are dangerously close to a divorce. It really is a “make it or break it” moment, so there is a definite sense of urgency. For the time being, they have both bought into the idea of withholding judgment — long enough to see how that goes during our work together in the coming weeks. Talk about a tense situation. RELATED: 5 Easy Ways To Get A Man To Be Vulnerable With You
Being vulnerable gives you a different perspective
In one session, I helped them understand a recent argument from a new perspective, which was game-changing. When I heard what started it all, I helped them come to a new understanding of the real issue underlying the disagreement. Armed with this new information, I asked the husband what his wife really needed to know in the moment as the fight was raging. It was in that very instant that everything changed and even I was almost taken aback by the suddenness of the shift. I saw his face soften, his voice almost cracked and there was a different tonality in his voice as he said the words his wife had needed to hear from him for a long time. As I looked at her face, it was clear that I was not the only one taken aback. Then I asked her what her husband needed to know. Her response was heartfelt, raw and filled with a new level of humility. It was a huge and powerful turning point in their relationship. RELATED: How To Fix A Broken Marriage When It Feels Like Your Partner Doesn’t Care Anymore
How to access the power of vulnerability
When I talk about this profound power, some people have no idea on earth how to access it. The very thought of lowering their guard or softening a chosen stance is enough to send them running in the opposite direction. It’s almost as if “fight or flight” were their only two options. Luckily, they are not, and frankly, neither of them is even remotely effective if you want a solution. They try “everything” — except the one thing that actually works. Albert Einstein famously said, “You can never solve a problem on the level at which it was created.” As I said in my scenario with the couple on the edge of divorce, the solution was not in the issue that caused the fight. Once we addressed that, we shifted everything. Its time to see beneath the “fog of war” and get down to what’s real — that’s where the solution can be found. The fog only muddies the picture, blinds both parties and prolongs the battle, while increasing the damage. When two people constantly dig in and fortify their positions, a fight is the only possible result. When just one partner takes a step back and drops their “weapons,” healing can begin. RELATED: The 12 Common Problems That Threaten Even Happy Marriages
Resolving, not rehashing
Yes, I understand that this is a lot harder than it sounds. It’s hard to let go of pride and take a risk and then get hurt “yet again.” Focusing on workable, permanent solutions and creating a safe space for both parties can resolve relationship issues rather than rehashing them. Most people think they’re limited to terrible choices like fight or flight, or saving face versus losing half of everything they own. There are always multiple choices and the one that shifts everything is called vulnerability. RELATED: The Top 3 Vulnerabilities That Ruin Your Relationship Dave Elliot is a neurostrategist and coach who is known for getting results with a variety of techniques that enable rapid transformational change.
